3 Ways Your Grieving Style May Be Influenced
Let’s just get to the point. It’s hard to grieve in your own way when there are significant outside influences.
The truth is, that people believe you should be grieving a certain way based on factors that are usually out of your control. And when life already feels impossible, it’s no easy feat to protect yourself from those beliefs.
We are here to tell you that you don’t need to fit your grief into a specific box or set of expectations. What’s most important is that you recognize how you grieve and give yourself the space to grieve healthily. This is also a gentle reminder to honor the unique way in which your partner grieves and create space for each of you to process individually.
Below are 3 key influences to be aware of as you work toward a healthy relationship with your grief.
Feminine and Masculine Influences.
Fun fact: gender does not necessarily indicate which expression - feminine or masculine - will be modeled following a significant loss. However, some people may expect a person to grieve in a way normally modeled by their gender. To that end, we say “Nah, you do you.” It’s important to disconnect your expression from your gender because it can assist you in navigating your grief more effectively.
Consider the following:
Feminine: People who grieve in a feminine way often look to feel their way through grief. They may cope by journaling or sharing their story, seeking support groups and connections to others, and/or creating rituals for keeping their little one’s memory alive as they tangle with competing emotions. Because of this more emotional approach, outsiders may feel they are “stuck” when they are actually navigating the complicated journey that is grief.
Masculine: A masculine griever might look to tangibly process their grief by tinkering with something (like woodworking), focusing on solving problems (no matter how small), or diving into an activity such as work (to provide for their family) or exercise (to have the feeling of being in control of something). Masculine grievers are more likely to internalize their emotions rather than express them. Sometimes, this can be seen as avoidance, so it’s important to find an outlet to process this grief rather than reject a critical part of their life journey.
Cultural Expectations.
Cultural humility is necessary in honoring grief as well as your beliefs, values, behaviors, traditions, and rituals. These characteristics can include language, religion, cuisine, social habits, and even music and the arts. Each culture has its own rituals that may influence grief, so to honor your background and your unique needs, you’ll want to keep a modest and open-minded approach.
Carrying out any cultural practices as your expression of grief must align with what feels authentic to you. Embrace similarities that provide a sense of stability, security, and/or closure, while choosing to leave out practices or beliefs that don’t honor your relationship with your little one. We are here to say it’s okay to have personal differences in your grief and mourning! You do not need to adapt to cultural norms, you need to grieve in ways that feel right to you.
Your Upbringing.
We know grief isn’t linear, but what might not be so clear is that grief doesn’t exactly have a beginning or an endpoint either. People often think of grief as a finite set of time. But, instead, it's cyclical, abstract, and interconnected to many events - such as your childhood. There’s a special vulnerability that shapes your perception of grief based on how your own family introduced it, how often you interacted with it, and whether or not it was openly talked about or shuttered behind closed doors.
This influence is often glossed over, perhaps because it’s a factor that you may have had very little control over, but its tendency to directly impact how you approach grief in adulthood seems to be greater than the combination of the two influences already mentioned.
First, we recommend that you identify whether the grieving pattern your family introduced you to included healthy grieving characteristics. While there really is no “right way to grieve”, you’ll want to reflect on what aspects of your experience with grief thus far have felt comforting to you, what aspects have felt ineffective or hindering, and what allows you to adapt to this life with grief as a part of it. Leave behind what isn’t helpful, comforting, or healing for you. It’s okay to approach your grief journey differently than you experienced growing up.
Bonus Influence: Grieving with a Partner.
If you have a partner/loved one whom you live with or who is going through the grief journey with you, please share these influences with them so that you two can discuss which influences weigh heavily for each of you, what characteristics you’d like to incorporate into your grieving style, what you’d like to leave behind, and how you can support each other when things get tough. Their grieving style will ultimately shape your approach as well.
As always, we are here to help you navigate your grief journey as effectively as possible. After all, when grief is not linear, it’s helpful to have some guardrails. We encourage you to listen to yourself, do what you feel works for you, and discard what doesn’t. If you have a good tip, we would love to hear it as it may support someone else who is grieving. Please send it to us at info@raiseyourhearts.org.
