Reflecting on Trauma and Triggers
A personal, raw reflection contributed by our Board Member, KellyAnn.
Have you ever tried making small talk with a stranger?
It often feels like you’re on a hamster wheel going faster and faster. Your mind is rapidly attempting to formulate the next thing to say…. the next question to ask.
If you are a mom like me, you probably strive for some sort of adult conversation. So, while standing in line at the grocery store you see a fellow mom juggling the food, a baby on her hip, the toddler circling her legs, AND the school age child asking for candy. The small talk begins… “How cute! How old are they?” And then the dreaded question, “How many children do you have?” We are all guilty of asking. As a society, we can be nosey! Well, not necessarily nosey, but curious.
However, now is the time to remove that last question from your memory.
We may not realize that for many parents, a question like this could actually be a trigger of past trauma. What if they have a critically sick child at home? What if they have lost a child? As a mom of children, both of whom are teenagers now, I have had many conversations that started out this way. So, I have learned just how insensitive it is to ask certain questions.
“I will never forget working at Old Navy when I was 17 years old. A woman came through my line with the most adorable baby clothes. I of course asked her when she was due? Only to find out….she wasn’t even pregnant! I wanted to crawl under the counter and never emerge again. From that point on, I have never asked another woman when she was due, even if she was clearly pregnant. ”
As the years have passed, I have met many families who have lost children for various reasons. I have learned a simple question like “How many children do you have?” can actually be insensitive. In 2019, my son was an active 8-year-old who did all the things boys his age do, until he couldn’t. On February 25, 2019, my son was diagnosed with a life altering, sometimes fatal disease that took his right femur. I remember sitting in the surgery waiting room crying and begging for him not to die. At that very moment, my life was forever changed. Some may say in a bad way. Although it was undoubtedly “bad,” as a family we chose to fight! Every family experiences good times and bad. Every family will experience loss.
One of the most harmful things you can do to someone who is grieving is to try to “fix” their grief or rush them past it. We must learn to be present without fixing.
As the years pass, my family remains a part of this awful club of a sick child that will never be the same. Through my experiences I have learned there are so many misconceptions of trauma and triggers. Survivors' guilt? That’s a real thing too. How can so many children be taken from us, yet others survive? I will never know the answer to that, but I can tell you it’s a real thing. I suffer from Survivor's guilt. I also suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), generalized anxiety disorder, and I was diagnosed with postpartum depression when my son was 9 years old and 6 months off of treatment. I’m your girl for fun, irrational fears I suppose! I say this so you can laugh.
Sometimes, it’s okay to laugh! It is important to remember that even after going through the worst of times, joy can still exist in your life. And so does grief.
I wasn’t shocked to find out that I suffer from PTSD, but it took speaking about my trauma and triggers to help cope. There are certain things I can no longer do. The hand soap at our children’s hospital is the most awful trigger for me. Soap. There is a smell that brings me right back to February 25, 2019, and it literally makes me weak in the knees. When people say, “At least your son is still here!” Yes, I understand, but please don’t tell me that. “At least he still has his leg and can walk!” Yes, that’s true too, but his life is forever changed. He’s sore and will walk with a limp for the rest of his life.
Please stop saying things like “At least they’re in a better place.” Or “At least they didn’t suffer.” This is not your place.
Instead, sit in silence with a grieving friend. Hold their hand, send a card. If you live close enough, steal them for a day. Let them decide the conversations. They may want to talk all day about their child, or they may do everything in their power to avoid it. Follow their lead. Remember, this isn’t about you. All this to say, people handle trauma and triggers differently. It's not our job to fix anyone, and surely not someone that is grieving.
Be kindhearted. All of us are on our own grief journey. Different people appreciate different things.
One thing I learned from our RAISE Your Hearts founders Alexi and Jason, is they appreciate hearing people say their daughter’s name, Rory. So we say her name with compassion and curiosity. We say Rory with the same emulating love as their two younger children.
Speaking from personal experience, if you are experiencing feelings of depression, helplessness, or like you can’t get out of that black hole, please ask for help. Asking for help was one of the hardest things for me to do.
However, because I asked for help, and because I was not treated like I was crazy, or like I was broken, I have been able to
cope with my grief.
find joy in little things, even in grievous times.
acknowledge my trauma
identify my triggers.
Because I asked for help, I am able to care for myself and my family.